Miscarriage - It's okay to be upset


Having kids has always been a part of my plan. Although I imagined I would be older, possibly married, basically have my life figured out. But when I got pregnant last year that was not the case. It terrified me. I got pregnant by a good friend of mine, who although was the nicest man I have ever known, I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. 

Aborting was never an option for me. I've never agreed with it personally (no judgement to people who have). The thought of being a mum didn't scare me, but telling my family and the dad did. I knew that I would have entered into a relationship, that I didn't want, just so my child was born into a two-parent dynamic. I decided I would hold off on telling people until after my 3 months scan. 

Unfortunately my baby didn't make it past 2 months. I endured 10 days of bleeding and cramps. It wasn't until a week later that it really hit me. I didn't know how much I wanted my child until it was gone. I was an emotional wreck, I cried all the time, I became angry, snapping at every person that looked in my direction. I was consumed by guilt. I couldn't escape the feeling that it was all my fault, that I'd done something wrong. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone. I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel that way because I was only 2 months gone, I mean it wasn't actually a baby by then. But it was still a life, a life that I was carrying.

A month later I was still in a depressive state so I confided in a few of my closest friends. The moment I said the words "I miscarried" out loud, it was like I could breathe again. Don't get me wrong, saying the words out loud does not take away your pain. I still struggle to this day. When I learn that someone is pregnant, a wave of hatred takes over my whole body. 

I will always wonder who my baby would've been. But I have come to realise that maybe it just wasn't my time. And I honestly can not wait for the day I am given a second chance. 

Just remember it's okay to not feel happy for others.
And it's definitely okay to grieve, whether you were 2 weeks along or 8 months. 

It will get easier, I promise.

xx

If you have any questions regarding this post, require advice or just simply want someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to email me at - safehavenanonymousletters@gmail.com - with the subject 'Miscarriages'. 

8 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like this! I can't imagine the pain - physically and emotionally! I remember when my friend was going through it and it really had devastated her, she'd even ended up naming him/her after she had miscarried. It was heartbreaking to see! I hope you're in a much better place now! Lots of love! <3 x

    Victoria | VictoriaaHelenn

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    1. Thank you very much for your comment. I'm in a better place definitely but I'd be lying if I said its not the first thing I think about when I wake up anymore. I hope your friend is in a better place, I also found myself automatically saying my child was a girl and I had named her. Thank you again, all my love -xo

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  2. It's so hard and without the full support of your family even harder. Whist this will always stay with you, it will get easier with time as you say and I've no doubt you'll get another chance to be an amazing Mum. X

    Amy - http://amyevans.blog

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    1. Thank you very much for your comment Amy. It was definitely difficult with my family not knowing. Thank you, I hope I do get that chance. Although with everything going on in the world right now, I don't think I'd want to bring my child into this evil. xx

      p.s. I'm a regular reader of your blog, I love it! x

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  3. I am proud of you for being willing to share this story. I cannot imagine the pain you have gone through. Be strong luv.

    Ash www.caviartastebolognabudget.com

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  4. Allthough at the moment you wouldn't think this over.. but everything happens for a reason. God has always a better plab for each one of us. Stay strong! Stay blessed

    http://thejourneyoflove215.blogspot.com

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    1. It is getting close to two years since I miscarried, I've definitely found myself at a place where I believe it happened for a reason. Thank you very much for your comment.

      -SH;AL xo

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