Day 29: Dear Diary entry

Dear Diary,

I wanted to write this as a day in the life. I wanted to give off happy and positive vibes. But that's not the state that my life is in right now. It would be so easy to give in. To fall back into my depression. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely heading in that direction and there's nothing I can do about it. But I am trying every damn day to get up, to smile, to be positive. But it's all fake. The smile is fake. The laughter is fake. The positivity is fake. It's getting harder to fake it all. 

I feel selfish for thinking "why me? what have I ever done to deserve any of this?". I mean innocent people get hurt and killed everyday and I'm sitting here wallowing in my own self pity. Why? Because I'm depressed. 

But I'm not selfish. I don't claim to have bigger issues than anyone else. I have every right to think about my history with my mum, my miscarriage, my heartbreak, my state of employment, the unknown future of my health - and think "what have I done to deserve any of this". 

A question crosses my mind daily - Why am I here? What's the point?. And I can never seem to answer. Because I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what my purpose is. Right now I am unable to work because I have a health issue that the doctors are clueless about. It is stopping me from carrying out day to day tasks. It's knocked what little confidence I had. I don't know what is going to happen in the future and honestly, it terrifies me. I don't have money to pay my bills. What is my purpose? 

My family, my friends, this blog - it's all that keeps me going. If I didn't have them then my suicidal thoughts wouldn't be thoughts, it'd be an action. I pray every day for something better, something easier. Pray to who? I don't know. 

I know that one day things will be different. I just have to get from here to there without crumbling. I have to remember everyday that I don't want to become the version of myself that pushes people away, that self harms, that wants to die. That would be selfish. That is why I keep my thoughts to myself. If I deal with things myself, then I won't burden the people I love the most. Protecting them from hurt, guilt and worry is more important than me. It is bigger than me.
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All my love

xo

If you have any questions regarding this post, require advice or just simply want someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to email me at - safehavenanonymousletters@gmail.com - with the subject 'Dear Diary'.

 Don't forget to mention me in your 30 day challenge tweets - @SH_anonletters - for a RT.

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