Signed Sealed Undelivered - A letter to... the one I still have no idea about

Dear J,

You never gave us a chance and I still don't know why. I still remember the day I realised I had feelings for you. I remember the way we used to speak to each other. Conversation was easy, we got on so well, we clicked, we'd talk about everything and anything; you never let me believe we couldn't work.

Remember that night out? The one where you, and only you, realised I wasn't feeling my best - that was the night I realised. And the worst thing you did that night - grab my hand, intertwine yours in it and let me believe that we had a chance.


I then remember the day I decided I had to tell you how I felt. That's the moment it changed. But why did it change? I didn't change. I was still there. You could have reached out to me. I wasn't always going to be the one to talk first or reach out first. That could have been you too.

Despite this, I wouldn't admit that a part of me still thought we could work. We would still work. I knew in my heart what you're response to me would be, but that didn't stop me wondering what we'd be like together. How good we would be.

Remember the day we sat down to talk about this? I do, I still do. I care less and less as the days go by but I do still think about it. I think about the 'reason' you gave me. It wasn't a reason, it was an excuse. You used excuses to avoid telling me whether you actually had feelings for me or not. So, did you feel something and were hiding it? Did you just not say anything to 'protect' my feelings? Did you not say anything because you chickened out?

I asked you to be honest and you said you were but I didn't hear the words that would've made getting over you any easier - I don't have feelings for you. You never said those to me. You told me you weren't looking for a relationship but looking for a relationship and having feelings are two different things. Do you think you would've been saying something different to me had the circumstances been different? Because circumstance dictated your excuse for not wanting anything.

That excuse was still a cop out to me and you know how annoyed I got, how annoyed I was for a while after you told me your 'reason'. You said you had a lot going on (circumstance) and that's why you didn't want anything, from that I assumed you never felt anything. Like I said you never told me that, so I assumed.

I assumed a lot. I felt a lot. I wondered a lot.

I wondered if you'd ever even considered us when you were leading me on. Letting a small part of myself believe that we could happen. I wondered if you ever considered us when you thought about what you were going to say to me. I wondered how you would feel if I gave you the same reason you gave me.

I felt annoyed at you. I felt confused with you. I felt hurt by you. You'll never know how your actions and words made me feel. I felt like you cared and you let me believe that. Why did you let me believe that?

And what's worse than feeling and thinking all of this? I found out you were using a dating app. You sat there and told me you weren't looking for anything whilst you were on a dating app. Whatever you were looking for from that dating app, you still sat there and told me you weren't interested in anything. You told me that you were too busy for anything yet you had the time to probably take another girl for dinner or drinks or spend a night with her. How does that make any sense? How do you think that makes me feel?

I know I couldn't and still can't change how you feel. I'm not asking for that. I was asking you to be truly honest with me and I don't think you have been. I never had you and yet I felt everything to get over you. I cried to get over you because you never let me think otherwise. I still wonder if I'm deep deep down inside fully over you. I still have unanswered questions and thoughts.

I still have no idea about you, us, me. And the hardest part is I guess I never will.

_______________________________________________________________________________

If you have any questions regarding this post, require advice or just simply want someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to email me at - safehavenanonymousletters@gmail.com - with the subject 'Signed Sealed Undelivered'.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story with us, it's beautiful and overwhelming. I'm excited to read the rest of your blogposts :) x

    A Girl's Journal
    https://girlsjournal95.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. Thank you so much for reading, enjoying and commenting.
      I hope you enjoy our content.

      -SH;AL xo

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