I'M NOT FINE

Hi everyone. It's been a while. I'm sorry for the absence. I'm not having the best time at the moment. I had an incident in work a few months ago, as some of you may already know from my social media. What seemed like a simple 'apply cream and it'll be fine' injury, it started a chain reaction of problems. All of which, without sounding dramatic, ruined my life. Well it seems that way right now anyway. A few people close to me are urging me to speak to a professional. Except it's not as easy as they think. I don't even tell my family and friends every intimate detail of my life or every thought in this messed up mind of mine. So the thought of unloading all of my baggage on to some stranger is absolutely terrifying. One of the down sides to having anxiety - It scares me to talk to people. But I have this new doctor. I refuse to see anyone else. She got me to admit that I have depression, she got me to cry right in front of her and she wasn't even trying. She simply asked how I was. So why is she so different to every other doctor? Well, she actually wanted an answer. She treats me like a person rather than a 10 minute problem. I let her in a little bit more on each appointment. I'm not ready to talk about everything yet, but if I'm going to confide in anyone it will most definitely be her.

My best friend asked me how I was today. I usually reply with "I'm fine." which couldn't be any further from the truth. She told me to talk to her, tell her what is going on. So I did. Not everything but I did tell her a lot of personal thoughts. I was hysterically crying the whole time I was typing but at least I got it out. I have always hated telling those closest to me about issues I have. I feel like they look at me differently. This is why I love blogging, I get to unload my personal thoughts on to a few thousand people without having to look you in the eye afterwards. So here it is, this is how I'm feeling...

I tell people that I'm fine. I tell the people closest to me that I feel depressed but that I'll be fine and not to worry. But it's getting harder to pretend. I don't have the energy to be the strong one anymore. I'm the one that is supposed to be there for everyone else, that's how it's always been. I've been trying so hard to still be that person but I can't do it anymore. I want to die, but I know I can't. And it hurts. How does everything hurt so much when I feel so numb? I'm just so tired. It hurts to look my dad in the eyes every day. He is the only thing that is keeping me "alive". Everyone else, as much as I love them, would be able to handle it. I think, for some, having me gone would be easier for them. But not my dad, he wouldn't be able to survive it. I couldn't do that to him.

Everyday I wake up and I feel equally scared and tired. I equally care about everything and care about nothing. I feel everything whilst feeling paralysingly numb. It's as if something else is controlling me whilst I'm trapped, unable to do anything but I feel everything. I don't understand how I can be losing myself to my own mind. I don't understand why I'm here. If my life meant something, if it is supposed to mean anything, I wouldn't want it to end so much. It all just seems so pointless. I wake up just to go back to sleep. What kind of life is that? I don't know how to make it stop. I want to stop hurting. I want to feel like I mean something. I'd say I want to feel like myself again but I can't remember what that is. I don't think I've ever felt truly happy in myself. For as long as I can remember I have hated myself. My confidence, my self love, my happiness - it's all been fake. It was all for show. I don't know who I am, I don't think I've ever known. Or maybe this is me. Worthless.

I'm not fine.

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