Let's talk... fear of having sex post-miscarriage


I have had this post partially written down for a while now because I wasn't sure if this is something I should be publicly sharing. But I'm transparent and honest about every other part of myself, my life and my opinions, so I should be about this. If this post makes one person feel a little calmer or comforted - then I'll be glad that I published this. You may already know from my first post that I had a miscarriage 2 years ago. It wasn't my time and I couldn't have done a single thing to prevent it; I came to terms with that a long time ago. But the miscarriage has had a dramatic impact on my sex life.

Sex was great pre-miscarriage. Afterwards sex became foreign to me. I've only had sex with one man since my miscarriage and it wasn't great at all. We only did it a few times, but I had this - "I have to do it. Just get it over with" - attitude. Numerous different factors played a part in not enjoying sex, but the main reason was that I was scared. Terrified actually.

I associated sex with negative results. And I still do to this day. Sex = pregnancy = miscarriage. That's the thought that I still fail to push out of my mind whenever I get close to having any kind sexual interaction. Having a fear of being intimate after going through a mc is completely normal no matter how irrational you think your thoughts and feelings are. Women are usually physically able to have sex again after a couple of weeks if the miscarriage happened before the 20 week mark. However, being emotionally ready is something that differs in all women.

I searched the internet to find someone, anyone, who could tell me that I wasn't being dramatic or crazy. And there's an overwhelming amount of women who have had the same fear as me. But every woman I came across had only experienced this fear for the first few months following their mc. I haven't let this worry me; I decided to listen to the logical side of my brain. A lot of the stories where by women who where in a happy marriage and who where trying to get pregnant. This wasn't my story. So it was inevitable that we'd have different stories in terms of time frames.

I was 18 years of age, I wasn't in a relationship and the pregnancy definitely wasn't planned. I grieved. I was in a rough place, I was in the pub most nights. And then I started seeing a guy who was simply a friend who I had absolutely no future with. The panic I faced when my period was late was what made me not want to have sex with him again. I didn't have a big support system around me whilst grieving due to me only confiding in a select few. And I'm now seeing a man who I really like, we have a connection that I've never felt before. But as each week goes by I'm getting increasingly worried about having sex with him. Although he is happy to respect the fact that I want to take it slow, he has no idea why. How am I supposed to tell him about this? "I had a miscarriage 2 years ago but I'm still scared of having sex because I automatically link it to the physical and emotional pain that I felt." I know that if anyone could get me to relax back into it, he could. But I don't know how long that'll take. I don't want to have bad sex with him until my mind finally lets me get past this fear. I believe that the reason this is still affecting me to this day, is because of my past experiences and because this is the first time that I have felt this connection to someone so that automatically adds pressure.

This post, by no means, holds any answers or solutions; but I knew that there was no way that I'm the only person who is struggling with this fear so long after miscarrying. If that other person is you, then I want you to know that you're not crazy or dramatic, and I'm sorry that I can't help you any further. But what I can do, is offer to go through this together.

If you have any advice or suggestions for me and for other women going through the same thing, then please comment down below so we can talk together. If you would like to chat in private please don't hesitate to email me at - safehavenanonymousletters@gmail.com

Love, Han -xo

6 comments:

  1. It's totally understandable that you're feeling like this Han. I wish I had some advice or words of wisdom to help you but I don't. Just know I'm always here if you want to chat x

    Em ~ thisisemsworld.com

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    1. Thank you Em, that means so much to me lovely.

      Love, Han -xo

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  2. Omygosh Han, I think you are so brave for putting this out there. Even when I haven't been throuhgh this I want you to know that grief is a very personal process. One you simply can't compare to other's people's stories. It has a big impact. There is no set manual, and nobody should tell you how to do it, but there are things that you find may help. I've heard embracing all the emotions that you feel is important.
    And: if you made the connection in your head that sex leads to the result of a miscarriage I can totally understand where your fear is coming from!
    Again, thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting my lovely! You're such a beautiful, kind soul -xo

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  3. You're so strong for making this post! I'm praying that things will get better for you, and Don't worry about telling your boyfriend just yet, don't pressure yourself , he obviously cares about you, and knowing about mc isn't gonna make that go away, I'm so happy you shared your story! I'm always here if you need me (:

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    1. Hi Kelsey,

      Thank so much for your kind and supportive words. My boyfriend is aware of my fear now and he has been incredibly supportive.

      -Han.xo

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