Let's Talk...my health and why I'm angry

This is a rant that I have been so desperately wanting to get off my chest. I haven't gone in to much detail about any health problems I have, apart from my mental health, I've never really wanted or needed to, but I'm angry. I'm angry that I can't go through one day without there being an issue that makes me feel nauseous, or causes me pain and discomfort, or interferes with my life. I'm angry with the way I've been treated and dismissed. I'm angry because I just want to be fine. I know I keep things positive around here nowadays so I hope you won't hold it against me for getting the negative off my chest. This is going to be a pretty long one so I apologise in advance.

After being unemployed for months, last year my luck really started to turn around; I had a house with my best friend and I finally landed a job. Granted it was a housekeeping job in a hotel, but a job is a job right? I was honestly so excited to be earning money again and having a steady routine. The job suited me quite well to be honest because I didn't really have to talk to anyone, I just had to clean rooms. One week in and everything went to shit. I walked in to work and got given my list of rooms and then I filled my trolley and got to work, just as I had done every other day that week. The first room I chose to do was marked yellow which meant that it was a priority. One hour later I found myself itching my arm a lot. Skip to a few hours later and my arm was red, hot and my skin was peeling. So what happened? Remember the priority room I cleaned first? Well the shower wall was covered in pure chlorine, and cleaning that shower wall was a job that was supposed to be carried out by maintenance. Was I instructed to avoid that room? No. Was I instructed to clean the room but avoid the bathroom? No. Did I receive an apology? You guessed it, no! After seeing my doctor they had instructed me to stay off work until I no longer had open wounds.

One week later...

I'd just drank a lovely cup of tea and I started walking toward the kitchen, when out of nowhere my cup fell to the floor and the tea at the bottom of my cup splashed on to the white wall. That's when the spasms started in my arm. A couple of days later the occasional spasms turned into a constant tremor, along with the loss of all strength in my right arm and hand.

Elective care consisted of numerous doctors and neurologists staring at me with confused faces and ruling out the things that I didn't have rather then looking for what was wrong with me. Two of the three neurologists I had met that day assured me that they would continue to help me until they found the problem and the solution. Except I never saw them again. They just palmed me off to the other neurologist, but I'll get to his idiocy later on.

After being prescribed medication to control my tremor, I became very sick. Due to the side effects, I began to feel nauseous all day-every day, I threw up every day, and I completely lost my appetite which resulted in me losing two stone - I was then underweight. I lost all of my self-confidence and that is when my mental health really began to suffer.  

 I thought that maybe if I swapped medication I would start to feel more like myself again. That wasn't the case though. For the first month or two of being on my new meds I felt nauseous, I slept a lot and I was very confused a lot of the time. Not to mention every morning it made me feel like I had the mother of all hangovers. You may be wondering if it was worth swapping over to these new ones at all. I stopped having the side effects after a couple of months though thankfully, and it didn't give me as bad of an appetite as the first ones did.

I'm not going to talk too much about my mental health because I pretty much documented it all in past poses. But to sum up, my anxiety got to the point where I would have a panic attack if I took so much as a step outside my front door. My depression was at an at all-time low. I wanted to die. It took everything I had inside to hold on.

Four days ago I had an appointment with that idiotic neurologist I mentioned earlier. The last time I saw him he told me that he'd see me in two months, well that was over a year ago. I was already extremely annoyed that I'd had to wait so long and that I still didn't know exactly what was wrong with me, but I managed to stay calm and collected. I asked him point blank what was actually wrong with me, and in the most casual way possible he said (roughly) "Dystonia. It's just something that happens. The connections from our brain to our muscles are very complex so it's not surprising that it sometimes doesn't work as it should." He then also said he is going to double my dosage.

I got home feeling pretty anxious about doubling my dosage because I can only imagine the side effects I'll have to endure. I then decided to look up Dystonia on the NHS website for more information. I was surprised to find that it isn't the casual, run of the mill thing that he made it out to be. Apparently it wasn't important for me to know that Dystonia is uncommon, life-long, and oh, there's no cure. There is treatment to control the symptoms but there is no cure. I visited my GP the next day to confirm the facts I'd read online.

I am 21 years old and I had to find out online that I have something wrong with me that won't be going anywhere because it's incurable. It makes me so angry that he neglected to mention such important information to me. I am still just completely baffled by it all. Some days I can pick something as light as a half glass up and I will get an awful pain through my arm and into my fingers. The symptoms change in severity from day to day and I had to find out online that it can't be fixed.

I don't know whether that is the cause of my most recent anxiety attacks or whether it's the thought of the pending side effects or whether it's the flashbacks I've been having. Whatever the cause, my anxiety is severely disturbing my sleep, or lack there of.

All I know is that after the day of my injury at that hotel, my life changed. So you can bet your ass that I blame them.

You made it to the end of my ramblings! Thank you hun.

Love, Han


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  1. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this! I really hope you find something that helps with the pain and controls the tremors. Fingers crossed, and all the love to you xx

    1. Thank you Naomi. Your kind words mean so much to me.

      Han, xo

  2. I hope it gets better soon! Try to think about the reason you wanted the job, maybe that will help?

  3. I'm so sorry. Truly. I can't imagine what that must be like but I'm so grateful that you took the time to write and post this. I can't understand your struggle but I can share mine with you one day, if that's okay? x *Hugs.* I really hope that whatever medication you're taking eventually helps. I hate to think of you suffering anymore than you already have.

    You'll always have a friend in me, Dax.

    1. Hi Dax. Thank you so much for your kind words, it truly means so much to me. Of course you can share your struggle with me. Email me anytime.

      - Han, xo

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