Me, Myself & I: loneliness thoughts


Since the beginning of the year, I've mainly opted to produce content that is positive, inspiring and empowering, as opposed to my earlier content which was packed full of negativity, hurt, darkness and literal depression. This blog has been a form of therapy for me in the past, and honestly right now, I need a therapy session. I have no idea in what direction I'll be taking this post. It might bring me closure, it might just be a rant or most likely, it'll just be me feeling sorry for myself. Either way, I definitely need this. So here goes...

"Are you happy?" is such a difficult question but I always say yes. I say yes because I'm completely in love with my boyfriend, I have family and friends and I get to blog every day. But then I find myself laying in bed at night and my mind forgets the things that make me happy, and instead convinces me that I'm unhappy, and then the loneliness kicks in, which is then followed by a whole lot of tears until I eventually fall asleep. I'd like to say that this situation is a rarity, but it's not. Honestly I'm surprised that I can still cry.

I don't tell people about the true depths of my loneliness, or that I feel more alienated each day. I'm not suggesting that I feel invisible, in fact, I feel very visible and very ignored. Although I wasn't fully aware of how left out, and how out of place I felt until I got into a relationship. I found my home in James, he completed me and loneliness is non existent when it comes to him. I received so much clarity from that, and it made me realise how unimportant I feel to the people that are most important to me.

Don't get me wrong, the people in my life are amazing and I love them with all of my heart, but I'm exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes when I say "I'm fine", I just want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me and say, "I know you're not fine, and that's ok." But I feel as though that's just not my role. Reading between other people's emotional lines is my job. I'm the one who is supposed to make people feel loved and wanted because I know what it's like to not feel loved and wanted.

I know I always say that I don't want to talk about how I'm feeling, but I do. I just hate that look in people's eyes when they realise that I am damaged goods. You know the look I mean right? The one full of pity. At the end of the day, the hard truth is that I'm used to feeling lonely and left out. I'm used to being the second option or getting ignored.

It's simply my role to play, I guess.

Love, Han

xo

4 comments:

  1. Loneliness is a real problem. You can be around a crowd an still feel lonely. At your age I never felt lonely but now if is a real issue with me le. I am financially independent, and I feel lonely.

    You are a very attractive girl with her entire life ahead of her and you are battling loneliness.

    Loneliness kills worse than any other thing.

    Hang in there. You are in my thoughts. I enjoyed reading this post. It was very well-written

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    Replies
    1. Thank you very much Mark. Your kind words mean a lot. When it comes to my boyfriend and the blogging community, I don't feel lonely, I feel very much at home and loved. But I'm just struggling when it comes to my family at the moment. But it's just temporary. I hope you're ok. If you ever feel like talking, don't hesitate to message me.

      I'm very sorry to hear about your brother.

      Han, xo

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  2. PS: I just wrote a post about my brother’s suicide at age 29. He was lonely too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. PS: I just wrote a post about my brother’s suicide at age 29. He was lonely too.

    ReplyDelete

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