Me, My Abandonment Issues & I


Last night I was laying in bed, soaking my pillow with my tears as usual, and I realised how clear the reason is now. Since acknowledging and accepting that I have this intense fear of abandonment, I'm now able to identify the reasons behind my nightly sobbing session. Not like that helps take it away at all, but...I don't know, I find it sort of comforting that there's a label to it now. You know?

In case you missed the post where I revealed my true self, I'll catch you up. Most nights I'll cry myself to sleep thinking "I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up tomorrow and James doesn't want to be with me anymore" or "I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up tomorrow and my best friends don't want me in their lives anymore" or "I wouldn't be surprised if I wake up tomorrow and my family are sick and tired of my shit". The thing is, is I genuinely wouldn't be surprised because I always believe that I don't deserve any of their love; I just got lucky. I'm always waiting for the day when they realise there is someone better out there. Due to my constant self blame for any problem or unhappiness that arises within those relationships, I'm in a permanent state of feeling unworthy of their love and their time.

It's a stupid, sad and illogical way to think, I know. I wish every night that I wasn't like this, that I could just accept that they love me and that they're not going anywhere - but I can't seem to do that. I'm putting everything I have into the hopes that when I begin my therapy sessions on Monday, that this sickening fear will diminish and eventually go. I'll be honest, I'm not to clued up on the ins and outs of abandonment issues so I have absolutely no idea if its something that can just go away. I think I should understand it more and help others to understand the way it affects me too. So...

What do 'abandonment issues' mean?

Abandonment fear is often the result of childhood loss; divorce, absent parent, etc. However, it can also stem from not receiving enough emotional care as a child, which is where I believe mine stems from. We all require a certain level of emotional and physical care, and when we don't get that level of care it can result in developing a fear of abandonment. This fear isn't only limited to childhood though, it can develop during adulthood due to situations such as a divorce, a separation or a death. When that fear is with you frequently, it can have a detrimental impact on your relationships.

How can a lack of emotional care lead to abandonment issues?

Like I mentioned before, these issues usually stem from childhood, so emotional abandonment tends to be the result of a parent ridiculing their child, relying to heavily on their child, or having high standards that they expect their child to meet. Personally, mine stems from all of the reasons above.

Growing up, I often felt as though I didn't really have a real mum. She was there, I lived with her, but it was me who always felt as though I was the one caring for her and not the other way around. She worked hard, she had a roof over our head, she cooked and she cleaned, she always made sure that I was safe from the outside world. But she forgot to do was make sure that I was safe emotionally. When her and my step dad would argue, I'd have to go downstairs and stop the argument, I'd have to talk to him to calm him down, then I would go and speak to my mum and do the same thing. I was the buffer, the peace keeper; yet I was only a child. Then she almost ended her life and I spent the next 2 years of my life watching her. I'd only go to sleep after she did. I'd cancel plans so that I could keep an eye on her. I'd run downstairs if I thought she'd been in the bathroom to long. In the midst of all of this, for years I received countless jabs to my self-esteem, two of which will always stand out - ugly and slut. She may not have physically or literally abandoned me, but she emotionally done so, a very long time ago.

How do abandonment issues affect life, long-term?

Someone with abandonment issues is likely to develop mental health issues such as, anxiety and depression. It affects how a person sees themselves, they feel as though they're not worthy and they can develop serious trust issues. All of the above, join together to result in extremely low self-esteem.

Fear of abandonment tends to cause a person to be overly attentive in relationships, and they tend to take more care of the other person than they do themselves. As well as constantly seeking connection and closeness.


I came across a quote a couple of days ago that truly describes how I've always felt, and it's by Shauna Niequist;

"I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships
holding my breath and hoping that when people get
close enough they won't leave, and fearing that
it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go."


Would you like to read more posts like this in the future? Let me know in the comment section down below.

Love, Han

xo

3 comments:

  1. Beautifully written and so honest. It sounds like you work really hard to manage, I hope it gets easier and better for you <3

    Maria
    www.thesouthernerblogs.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your kind words Maria. I appreciate it so much.

      Love, Han xo

      Delete
  2. I would love to see more posts like this. I'm struggling with abandonment issues at the moment and send you as many virtual hugs as you need. :)

    ReplyDelete

Powered by Blogger.